This is a site where I can express my thoughts, feelings, passions as well as share my life with whoever chooses to listen.
I’m back in America and settling back into the busy schedule of life and I’m realizing how burned out I already am and it’s just started. So this is a very raw and real cry of my heart. A cry to my father, my best friend, my healer, my safe place, my everything.
Daddy there is no one else for me. None but you. In the chaos and confusion I know that you are sovereign still. My heart is heavy and my soul is weak and this is when I know that you will shine through me. You boast in my weakness and use my weaknesses to show others your incredible strength. I confess that I am sinful and awful and I do not deserve one second of your love. But you still do. You still love me. You still look at me every morning and tell me that your mercies are new. You show me in the littlest ways how much you love and cherish me. It overwhelms my entire being to know that I have done absolutely nothing to deserve your love. Nothing. I am nothing with you. I was dead and you gave me life. I was broken and you made me whole. I was sick and you healed me. For those reasons and so many more I should wake up each day and live my life for you. Devote my every minute to praising your name and bringing you glory. Daddy I am so sorry. Tears are streaming down my face because everyday I fail you. Everyday I choose things of this world over you. I choose money, school, friends, family, education, clothes, television, food, and so much more. Some of these things are so good that they are deceiving. Everything I do should be for your glory and for your name. I give my time and energy to things that have absolutely no value. They mean nothing. My every breath should be shouting your praise. This world has nothing for me. It only leaves me with emptiness and tears in my eyes. I look at my brokenness and my heart breaks because I know that I am giving into this world. I look at the brokenness of this world and my heart shatters because I know that so many of the people do not know your name. I know that people near and dear to my heart do not have the comfort that I have in you. They do not know what is like to be chosen by a great and mighty King for absolutely no reason. They do not know what it means to have a Savior. There are people who pray to you and go to church and yet they still don’t know your unfathomable limitless love. There are whole nations that are living in constant darkness never having heard your story. The story of one man, your son, who gave everything so that we could know you. He lived a perfect faultless life just to pave a way for us to hear your name. He died the worse death possible so that we could one day sit at your thrown. You traded your righteousness for shame and I am caught in your intimate embrace. Nothing compares to this Love. Nothing can separate me from you. Not death or life. No Angel or Demon. Not the present or the future. No power. No height. No depth. Nothing in this world. Nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate me from your Great Love. So take my life. Make it into something beautiful. Make it into something that will bring you glory. You have given me a Love that surpasses all of my understanding. My puny human mind will never be able to comprehend your Love for me. That’s my favorite part. The fact that I will Never be able to understand. It is by faith. By faith I have been saved. By faith I love you with all of my existence. By faith I come back and kneel at your feet when I’ve failed you. By faith I repent and start anew. By faith I have the boldness to be humiliated, shamed, and judged just so one person may come to know you. You are so beautiful and perfect. I confess my need for you. My eyes grow weary and my soul is weak. I feel like this world could come crashing down on me at any moment. Worry consumes my thoughts and my strength is failing me because of my affliction. Even in the midst of this I trust you O Lord!! I say that ‘You are MY God!” Shine your light on me and my path. Save me once again in your unfailing love. Let the enemy be silenced. Let my heart praise you through trials and hardship for I know that your will is perfect. I know this path is narrow and less traveled but greater is the reward and more breath-taking the journey. Let me find my rest in you and your word. Your word, a letter written to me in my time of need. A letter to reveal your person to me so that I may come to believe in you and to truly Know you! A truth that sets me free from all the bondage of this life. I will hold on to my hope and take courage again in knowing that you have already fought the battle and obtained victory. I have Victory in you. All of my failures and all of my fear… The God I love, You Have overcome. All my heartache and all my pain… God my healer, You Have overcome. All my burdens and all my shame… God my freedom, You Have overcome. All my trouble and all my tears… God my hope, You Have overcome! Let my heart take refuge in you. Through this world and all of its distractions let my heart remain still at the feet of your cross. Let my soul be in rest and worship you. Jesus I love you. No words will every be able to fully express the emotions I have for you. I love you… just doesn’t seem to be enough. I am going to try to express my love for you even though I know it will just sound ridiculous when compared to the Love you have for me. Daddy I will give you more than my words. I give you my life. I am your daughter. Your are my King. With every thing in me I long to worship you. I long to sit in your thrown room and cry out to you. I am constantly thinking about the day that finally get to see your face and sometimes I think that I will just run and jump into your arms because I am so happy. But I know that I will be so absolutely overwhelmed with my Love for you that I will fall on my knees and praise you. On my death bed I will have no fear or tears. Whether peaceful or painful, I will have a smile on my face because I will know that in a matter of minutes I will see your face. Your beautiful breathtaking face. I will laugh and cry out in joy because I will finally able to fully do what I have been created to do. Worship you. I get to worship you for eternity. Eternity. There is not one moment that crave to stay on this earth. I yearn for your kingdom. I yearn for Heaven. I yearn for you My Lord, My Savior, My Dad, My Everything.
The last week of Korea finally came. I feel like the whole summer was leading up to this last week. So many of our students were going and they were so excited! I was so ready to see what incredible things God had in store.
When the students first arrived from the North and South they didn’t seem overly zealous to be there. It is crazy to think about how some of the South Korean students were only there because their parents made them. But then I think that is probably how camp is in America too. Anyways… I was super blessed to have an incredible person to be my translator for my group. Her name was Sujin! She was a complete blessing! Still praising the Lord that she was there. We had 3 North Korean students in our group and 4 South Korean students. There were only 4 girls total including me and Sujin! I was so excited because the North Korean students in my group were some of my favorite Guys from Heavenly Dream School! The first couple of days were definitely overwhelming. I mean really the whole week was, but you kinda go used to it after the second day. We would wake up early in the morning and eat breakfast. The leaders had a meeting before breakfast. So early! But so worth it because that was a sweet time of worship and preparation for the day. Then we would have a little bible study time with the students followed by a morning worship. P.s the Band was INCREDIBLE! We also had seminars about North Korea. This was one of the big wake up calls to a lot of the South Korean students because some/most of them had no idea what was and is going on in North Korea. After lunch we had different sessions through out the day. Worship Dance, Bible, English, and Games. These were so much fun and it was interesting for me to see how God used each different session to reach different students. Some students really found their element during English lessons and others thrived in Games. In all the sessions the staff (including me and Sujin) found a way to bring in the Gospel. We would share or other staff would share and it was crazy how all throughout the day the students were hearing truth.
We had free time after the sessions and before dinner. This was a crucial time of bonding for the students and rest for staff. It is hard when you are leading at camp and constantly pouring out everything you have. So it was so good to have a time in the middle of the day to refuel before that evening worship. Evening Worship. The speakers were absolutely phenomenal. Also, we had a translator so we were able to know what they were saying since they were speaking in Korean. Each speaker had his own style and they were all very direct in their messages. All of my students were so responsive. Jesus showed me his power and sovereignty at EUC in a way that I have never seen it before. It was mind blowing and straight up emotionally overwhelming. Seeing my students look at the Lord for the first time in a genuine way touched my heart so deeply I knew that I would forever be changed. It was like for a nano second I caught a glimpse of how much God loves them and I absolutely couldn’t handle it. Every night during worship I would cry out to God for the students in my group. I would pray over them, cry with them, and praise God for them. One of the songs we sung went like this… “I am free to live. I am free to love. I am free to live for you. Jesus” Let me tell you… hearing anyone sing this song is already overwhelming for me. But seeing my students who have known torture and persecution. That makes it so much better!!!!
By the end of the week the students in my group had become a unit! :) I could see the Love that they had for one another and how much they truly love the Lord. By the end of the week, out of my group, I had two new brothers in Christ and one new sister! AHHHH!!!! God is so so good! I can’t even contain it!
This is just a little piece of what happened at EUC! There is so much more but I am still processing a lot of it. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I write about EUC considering it was one of the best weeks of my life.
When the world is falling out from under me. I’ll be found in you, still standing. When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees. I’ll be found in you. You make all things new. You make all things new. When time and space are through, I’ll still be found in you. One of the major things that I have learned this summer is how absolutely incredible God is. Of course… we already know this. We go through our days thanking him for things and praying for other things. But how many times do I actually sit down and just be in awe of how beautiful and wonderful and incredible his is? That’s what the most important tings he’s showed me this summer. He has showed me how absolutely incredible he is. He provides for me, loves me with a limitless love, carries me when I am down, disciplines me daily, and he constantly molds me and uses his chisel to make me into his masterpiece. We ARE his masterpiece. I was so overwhelmed when I read the verse and while being in awe of God also realizing that he looks at me and he see’s his daughter, his beloved, his masterpiece. Today, take a moment and sit in awe of God and know how absolutely loved you are!
Thank you so much for all of your support! Please please continue to pray! The power of prayer is so vital!
Today i’m going to do something a little different. We have prayer time everyday at a certain time. Normally I go to the park or a coffee shop and just sit and journal, but for some reason I know that my prayers today are going to be big and I need other to intercede on my behalf and pray for me as well.
Jesus, you are so beautiful and so big. I love you. I’m so thankful for you and everything you have done in my life. Being here in South Korea, I see you mercies everywhere. I hear your voice in every word spoken to me and the students here. I see you in their lives and I can feel how much you are moving inside of them. They are walking miracles that testify to your gospel and to your grace. Coming here I knew that you would change and move my heart, but I never expected to love the students this much. I never expected to be so broken for their lives and for their salvation. This just shows me how much i try to put you in a box. Lord forgive me for all my arrogance and pride. I was trying to figure out exactly what you were going to do this summer and I absolutely failed becuase you surpassed every possible expectation I had. You went much further than I could ever imagine and I am so incredibly thankful. I lift up the students here to you. God they have been though so much but you have already done some much for them and a lot of them don’t even realize how much you love them. You have brought them out of the darkness of their home country and truly set them free form the bondage that a they encountered while they lived there. I see the joy that is in their eyes because they are physically free, but when I look closer i come to tears because I see that they are still in chains spirituality. I pray for their souls. That they would grow to know you and that they would open their hearts to receive your grace and your healing. God most of them still have families that were not able to escape and are still facing horror and suffering. Jesus in your powerful name I pray for those family members that you would provide a safe passage our of their home countries and into safety. If this is not in you will then I pray that they will come to know you. I don’t know if that is possible or able to happen but God if they know you then at least at the end of everything we can take comfort in know ting that they knew of your love and had salvation in your name. Jesus I lift up my roommate G to you, that you would comfort her and be with her. God she knows you and she loves you so much. Every night I hear and see her praying to you on her knees crying for her family and her home country. Jesus I pray that you would work another miracle in her life and return her family safely to her. God I see the joy she has in your. She has such a childlike joy and faith in you it makes my heart hurt. But she is still human and she still feels pain and hurt. God restore her heart and her families heart. Bring them back together God. Let them be reunited in your name and on this earth. Jesus I feel like I’ve been putting this off because I was once again putting you in a box and putting limits on your powers. Jesus i know that you can work a miracles and bring this family back together. God I pray for TH and YH. They are students here and they love you so much. Both of them are so close to accepting your love. These guys could have a huge impact in this school and I pray that you would continue to pursue them in a mighty mighty way. God that they would see you and want to know you so badly. I pray that they would accept your salvation and spread that news to the entire school God! I know that these guys have the power to really move mountains in this school and bring so much glory to your kingdom. Think of how many people would come to know the Lord if TH and YH were to tell the other students of your love. YH has so much pain in is past and in his heart. His father killed and his mother sick, both of them still in his home country. Jesus his pain is so large and I can see it whenever I look into his eyes. I can see it when I find him alone in the park crying. God show him your love. Let him have ears to hear the people around him that are tell him about your love. Let his heart open to you. You can give him ultimate healing and show him that you are sovereign and you do love him so so much. You can give him a peace about his family, a peace that I know that he longs for so badly. There’s a song that I’ve been listening to a lot lately and I feel that they lyrics are so so true for all the students here. ”the lost are saved, find their way, at the sound of your great name. All condemned feel no shame, at the sound of your great name. Every fear has no place at the sound of your great name. The enemy, he has to leave at the sound of your great name. Jesus worth is the lamb that was slain for us. The son of God and Man you are high lifted up and all the world will praise your great name. All the weak find thier strength at the sound of your great name. Hungry souls receive grace at the sound of your great name. The fatherless they find their rest at the sound of your great name. The sick are healed and the dead are raised at the sound of your great names. Jesus worthy is the lamb that was slain for us the son of God and man. You are high and lifted up and all the wold will praise your great name. Your great name. Redeemer, My Healer, Lord Almighty! My Savior, Defender, You are my King! Redeemer, My Healer, Lord Almighty! My Savior, Defender, You are my King! Jesus. The name of Jesus. You are high and lifted up and all the world will praise your great name. Your great name.” Jesus I pray that your great name will cover the student. God that they wouldn’t feel shame. That their fears would have no place to stay. God that their souls would finally find fulfillment in you. God that they would realize that they have a holy heavenly father that loves them more than they could ever imagine. God that their sicknesses and their family members that are sick would be healed in the power of your name. I pray that they would look at your face and know that your are their redeemer, their savior, their defender, their healer, their king. God I pray that the enemy would know that these students are your children and that he can go no where near them! God I pray protection over them that the enemy would flee because they know that this is not his place and that these students are not his. I pray that the students would find their strength in your name! Jesus that they would use that strength to fight the enemy whenever he attacks and that they would use that strength to get to know you in all of your splendor. Jesus you are so beautiful and I love you so much! and God… I LOVE these students. I love am in love with each and every one of them. I pray that you would pursue them and that they would know you. God the greatest desire of my heart is to be able to praise your name in heaven and hear the voices of these students all around me praising you in Korean. God the ones that know you, love you so much and they trust you without any question. It breaks my heart to think that some of the students may not come to know your name. Jesus I know you are sovereign and I know you love your children, and because I know you love them and because you have given me the honor and blessing of getting to know them I love them too without limits. God I will fight for their salvation with everything that I have. I will tell them about you in every word that I speak and every time I hug them I will hug them and love them with your love. Jesus I pray that you would fill me and use me to reach the lost and to reach these students. I will work for you and your kingdom until my feet can’t move and until my mouth can’t speak. Let your presence fill this place and fill these people. Let their hearts hear your voice. God let me speak to their hearts, even if they can’t understand my words. Let me speak with the voice of truth in my heart, mind, and soul. God I know I am here to do your work. Let me work with everything I have and for everything for your glory. God I will not rest until I reach the pearly gates and I can look into your eyes and tell you that I worked as hard as I could to tell them about you and your love. God I pray that when I walk inside those gates that I would see their faces and I can rejoice!! I pray that the angels will play their trumpets today because they have accepted your love. I pray this with everything I am and I pray this in with the power of the holy spirit that lives inside of me. I pray this in the power of your GREAT NAME. With that names comes power. So God Let that power reign over this place and these students. I love you with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. Let all of this be for your glory and your glory alone.
For the first week, my team and I were basically just spending as much time with the students as possible. However, Koreans are very task focused and they devote the majority of their time to studying. So, last when the teachers told us that we were going to get to go on a field trip with the students we were so excited! Then we found out that this was not just a normal “day out” kind of field trip, but it was a three day trip to the beach. I’m normally not a big fan of the beach, but I was so pumped to see the beaches of Korea and experience those beaches with the students. Also, on the itinerary was some sight seeing at some Korean Caves and Museums!
So we got to the school on Wednesday, ate breakfast, and then left for the beach! It was a four hour drive and my team and I rode on a van while the students rode on a charter bus. So… that meant that I, of course, slept the whole way there! We stopped half way to eat, however i’m pretty sure I was still asleep because I don’t remember at all what we ate. I’m not sick now and my teammate Jessica told me that I ate all of my food… so i’m guessing I liked it!
Our first stop once we arrived to our destination was the Reincarnated Celestial Fairy/Female Angel Cave. We had to take a lift to get up to the caves and just the ride up to the caves has so incredibly beautiful! I could tell that God was going to really bless our time at the beach! Before we went into the caves we were divided up into different teams with some students. I loved this because I was able to really get to know some students that I hadn’t really spent much time with yet. Most of my time goes to the students that are the class I teach or that live with me, so when I was given the opportunity to get to know some other students it was really excited!!! (Pictures will be coming soon!!) Once we were broken up into our teams we headed into the caves. Now, I’ve been in a cave before but NEVER have been in a cave this absolutely incredible! It was breathtaking. Two of the girls in my group really stuck close to me the entire time. One of the girls, S, has incredible English skills! She’s in the Glory class, my class, the highest English level class, and she is so smart! Seriously! She actually enjoys Physics. I mean who really enjoys Physics… S does! The other student’s, P, English is very broken. She arrived in South Korea not that long ago. She is so so full of joy! She was a little scared of the caves and so she was holding on to my hand the entire walk through the caves. And the walk was not short at all. It would have been an incredible experience if I was walking through the cave by myself, but walking through and seeing all the reactions of the students was so much better. S would constantly turn to me and say “how beautiful, so beautiful”. P would ask me “God create?” Her faith has such a childlike quality and I love it so much! P constantly reminds me of how much we are supposed to love and trust the Lord because she does it so effortlessly because for her, he is all she has. At the end of the caves, they had the country of Korea outline and P showed me her hometown and how she moved to Seoul. It was so encouraging to here and listen to her in her broken English tell me and trust me with such personal information.
As we rode back down from the caves, we got to talk more with the students and they showed us some super fun games! Kai Bai Bo (basically rock paper scissors) and other games, that I don’t remember their names… but they all involved hitting/slapping/tapping the other person if you win. Most of the time we don’t hit that hard, especially if it’s all girls playing. But if you get one of the guys playing then prepare yourself for your hand and wrists to be a little red. We played that all the way to the railbikes! Railbikes were basically these things we got to ride all around the coast of the beach and it was crazy beautiful and so much fun! Your controlled the speed of your bike so you could go as fast or as slow as you wanted. Also, you could rear end the person in front of you… and that was the best!!!
After the railbikes we finally went to our hotel! It was right off the beach.. Jackpot! We got settled in our rooms, which all 9 girls on my team were all in one room, and then we went down for dinner. What’s for dinner… KOREAN BAR-B-QUE!!!! Ok people… this stuff is so good!! And pretty much all of Korean meals are family style… so you can have as much of one thing you want and as little of another. So if you don’t like something (doubtful) then you can get away with not liking it. The was the first time I had beef in multiple weeks… so I took full advantage of it!
When we woke up Thursday we got to eat cereal!!! O my goodness… I didn’t realize how much I love milk! I hadn’t had it weeks and it tasted so wonderful! After breakfast we went to Jookseo Pavillion to write poems with our team (I might share mine with y’all later). The Pavillion was one of the places artists and writers used to go to in order to have quiet and gain inspiration from the beautiful lands and write or paint. It was incredible! All of the original sculptures and engravings were still there and it was just so overwhelming to picture that a long time ago famous paintings and poems were written and painted in that place. We left Jookseo Pavillion for Lunch and we at handmade traditional Buckwheat noodles. You could get hot or cold noodles… I got hot and they were delicious! They also had these clumps of potatoes in them that were very similar to the dumplings that you’d find in chicken and dumplings. Basically it was wonderful and tasted amazing! After Lunch we went to Ojukeon which is the birth place of a famous Korean classical scholar of Chosun Dynasty in the 17th Century. It was so cool because Ojukeon means Dark Bamboo and so there was Dark Bamboo everywhere. I had only seen green bamboo and they say the Dark Bamboo comes from the blood of a traitor and it filled the land so the bamboo soaked up the blood and that’s how Dark Bamboo came to be. Pretty Cool huh?! We got to walk around the grounds where famous people grew up! I don’t really know much more than that… but it was still very interesting and the best part was seeing how much the students loved hearing about the History of South Korea! They were sponges and it was so awesome to watch their expressions and see them ask all the questions.
Finally… after all the museums, caves, and pavilions we went to the BEACH!! It was freezing but that didn’t stop the students from getting into the water!! Some of them, most of them, had never been to the beach before and every single one of them were drenched!! They loved it! Seeing them rush into the ocean made me think of the song by Mikeschair. One of the verses and chorus go as follows… “God, You know where I’ve been, you were there with me then. You were faithful before. You’ll be faithful again. I’m holding Your hand. There’s a raging sea right in front of me, wants to pull me in bring me to my knees. So let the waters rise If You want them to. I will follow You.” It just makes me think over and over again about everything the students have been through, but how through it all God was with them the whole way and a lot of them didn’t even know it. Those who know it now look forward with a childlike faith because they know how blessed they have been by the hand of God. That even though they still are facing trials, they now have faith in the creator that loves them beyond comprehension.
One of my favorite moments, if not, my favorite moment of the whole trip was when I was at the beach looking out at the huge waves holding S’s hand. I started singing 10,000 reasons by Matt Redman. By the end of the song, S was humming along with me. Slowly tears started rolling down my face because we had sung that song before and I know that she understood was I was singing. Hearing her hum alongside me was one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard. It was the perfect ending to an incredible trip!!!
The refugees I am working with have been through some of the most painful situations imaginable, but I don’t see that when I look at them. I live with three of the refugees and they have filled me with more joy in the past 5 days then I ever thought possible. After just a few days here I’ve realized that my expectations were high in my mind but way too low in God’s. I have realized just how important it is that I am giving myself fully to these refugees and loving them where they are. Many of them have never know what it is to be loved and God has given me and my teammates the opportunity to fill that void. However, the thing that God is has been showing me is that, it is not enough for us to fill the void because we’ll be leaving in two months and even if we weren’t, as humans our love is fleeting. We have to tell them about the Love that is never ending, life saving, and the ultimate source of healing. God has already been preparing their hearts to hear his word, all we have to is be obedient and tell them the Good News. After all… this trip has nothing to do with me and everything to do about bringing God Glory!
And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awecame upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved. -Acts 2:42-47
This was the main verse we had to read for yesterday’s bible study and as I read it I realized exactly what this summer is supposed to be about. My team and I are in South Korea and we are working with refugees. We’re going to be teaching them English. All the students have so much joy and the big question is, how do they have that much joy after everything that they have been through? The answer is simple, Jesus. Next question, how do they know about Jesus? The answer to that is also simple, but yet so complicated. There are people, like my team and I, who come and serve at the school every summer. There are also a select few that are staff at the school. They are full time missionaries that live with the students and teach them, not just English but the word of God as well. The Holy Spirit is so absolutely present in this school and it is so exciting to look forward to what God has in store for the summer.
However, coming to this summer I was thinking about what I would have to do… how I would grow… what challenges I would face… etc… The common theme in all of this is the word I. As soon as I met one of the students, I realized that this summer has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the students’ relationship with Jesus. The verse above was so convicting because it really speaks truth into the heart of what my team and I should be doing here in Seoul. We should be devoting ourselves to the Word of God and always seeking his guidance and strength. We should not be overwhelmed with petty differences or annoyances because at the end of the day the root of our souls is the same, Christ. Lastly, we need to love one another in a way that our love for Christ Shines through without any doubt. Showing the students the love of Christ and striving to share the Good News with them.
God works in mighty mighty ways! Adding to the number of believers day by day. That is my prayer for my summer and the students that I’ll be working with. I pray that God would add to the number of believers daily and the students would being a beautiful life saving journey with Christ.